


sick and tired of trying

by Anonymous



Category: Hermitcraft
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Past Violence, basically. ex thinks too much abt things hes done and has a panic attack, ex is trans n its mentioned a few times but isnt super relevant, he also cant breathe air anywhere but in the end w/o his helmet, implied suicidal thoughts, that joe helps him out of bc joe + ex r friends n u cannot change my mind, thats why hes in the end! joe just wants diamonds from the obsidian lol, theres literally so much projection in this fic lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21567268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: after everything, ex is trying his best. but some days his best just isn't enough.(aka: i project onto ex. he does not have a good time.)
Relationships: Evil Xisuma & JoehillsTSD
Comments: 7
Kudos: 151
Collections: Anonymous





	sick and tired of trying

**Author's Note:**

> sorry again 2 ex 4 using him as a way 2 vent. also sorry 4 how bad this probably is lmao

Ex heaved for breath as he ran through the shopping district, weaving between the colorful shops and glancing behind him at the absolute horde of hostile mobs that were chasing him. _Honestly, would it kill these hermits to light up their builds for once?_ Screeching to a halt outside of iTrade, he all but threw himself into the nether portal, holding his breath as he was transported between dimensions.

Stumbling out on the other side, he fumbled for the switch on his helmet that would let him breathe nether air as he tripped over his own feet and fell onto the dark glass floor. Finally managing to hit the switch, he had a minor coughing fit before figuring out how to breathe again.

Ex pulled himself up off the ground, leaning on the portal frame for support. As he did, pain shot through his ribs, and he winced. _Oh, yeah, not supposed to exercise in a binder. Forgot about that._ Well, it wasn't as if he really had a choice anyway - it was either "run like hell" or "get brutally murdered by monsters", and Ex didn't fancy losing his gear and ending up wherever he'd slept last again.

Sighing, Ex glanced around the empty nether hub, trying to decide where he wanted to go. Xisuma's base was a definite no - his relationship with his brother was still very strained, with X only having unbanned him fairly recently. Ex didn't particularly want to interact with _any_ hermits at the moment, for that matter. He'd been feeling awfully self-conscious all day, like every person who so much as looked in his general direction was judging him.

Deciding the best course of action was to find a place nobody but him (and X, but he was likely busy with other things) enjoyed being in, Ex headed for the portal that would put him closest to the nearest stronghold. This time, he switched the settings on his helmet before going through, resulting in a much smoother exit as he came out in the overworld.

Ex's mind wandered as he slowly made his way towards the stronghold, going over everthing that had happened since X had been convinced to unban him around two months prior. Most of the hermits hadn't seemed bothered by his return (if they were, they sure weren't saying so) and some seemed... _far less_ than bothered.

At first, Ex had been kind of annoyed by their attempts to befriend him. However, he'd ended up developing a soft spot for several of them; Stress, Zedaph, and Grian being a few of the lucky ones. Keralis and Bdubs had even managed to convince him to build a house in the aptly named "New Guy Village", and even if his building skills were subpar and he was barely around - preferring to explore and sleep wherever he found himself - they seemed content with him just _trying._

Of course, you can't mention hermits trying to befriend Ex without talking about Joe, who was the reason he was even here in the first place, having smooth-talked X into unbanning him entirely on his own with several hours worth of vaugely threatening, philosophical poetry. Ex asked him _why_ on several occasions, but Joe only answered with cryptic prose that Ex didn't get anything out of except that Joe though he "deserved a second chance, a chance to change, a chance to try again."

Entering the stronghold didn't startle Ex from his musings, though he did briefly remark to himself that the hermits seemed to have remembered that torches existed while fixing up the stronghold. He stepped through the portal and came out on a cobblestone platform, hitting the buttons that detached his helmet and pulling it off. He breathed deeply, enjoying the crisp coldness of the End, a stark contrast to the slightly stale air his helmet filtered for him. He began to walk across the precarious cobblestone path to the main island, slipping back into his thoughts as he sat down with his back against one of the obsidian pillars.

Ex pondered for what seemed like the millionth time about his name. Ex, short for Evil Xisuma, was... not his favorite way to be addressed. He disliked being written off as just an "evil" version of his brother. He'd had his own name, a while back, but thinking about _that_ one felt even worse than being Ex. He'd tried to think of new names for himself, but none ever seemed to fit, and he doubted he could get anyone to stop calling him Ex anyway. He hated being labeled as evil no matter what, even if nobody truly meant it that way anymore.

He'd never really _wanted_ to hurt anyone. He felt abandoned, bitter at being left out of everything, so he lashed out at anyone who he could. Everything hurt, and he bottled it up, but it all had to explode eventually. Ex knew he had been out of control, destroying everything indiscriminately as he raged on. He knew X had to stop him somehow. It didn't stop it from hurting when his own brother, his younger twin who he'd looked out for and loved all his life, faced him down and banished him to the void right at the beginning of this new season.

Everyone knew this reasoning. Everyone knew it hurt X to do that too, to be suddenly alone and without his older twin for the first time in a very long time. And now, everyone knew Ex was trying. Trying not to lose control again. Trying to make up for the things he'd done. Trying to let others in. Trying to change, trying to fix it trying trying _trying._ Ex was so sick and tired of trying. It was all he could do, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to atone, it wasn't enough to participate, it wasn't _enough._

It wasn't enough, and his stupid ribs hurt, and his eyes stung but he wasn't going to cry, he _wasn't,_ but that wasn't enough either and Ex curled up into a ball next to the obsidian pillar and he couldn't breathe, his chest was tight and it hurt, but he wasn't going to look at himself right now, he couldn't handle it, the emptiness of the void was right there, calling him, he couldn't do this, _he couldn't do this,_ he dug his nails into his arms, the wounds there still far too fresh, it hurt but he didn't care anymore, it was too much, not enough, too _much-_

-and suddenly Ex was sobbing into someone's shoulder, and someone was holding him tightly, and someone was whispering to him but he couldn't understand them, and he tried to scratch at his arms but someone held him so he couldn't, and he couldn't stop crying but they just held on, and they whispered again and Ex could hear them, just barely, but who was it, who was _here-_

"Ex, ex, hey, hey. Hold on. You're okay. It's okay, you're okay." -Joe, that was Joe. Joe was here and Ex let some tension go and wrapped his arms around him and _cried,_ but Joe just whispered that he was okay, that it was gonna be okay. Ex relaxed into him, Joe leaning up against the pillar as they hugged, reassuring Ex as he slowly calmed. Ex pulled his head off Joe's shoulder, his eyes red and with tear stains running down his face. He pulled back from the hug, moving over slightly to sit next to Joe, still holding on to his arm. Joe simply let him, taking deep breaths as Ex unconsiously followed his example.

"...Joe?" Ex said quietly, his voice hoarse from sobbing.

"Yes, Ex?" Joe replied just as quietly, sounding concerned.

"...thank you. For everything, I mean. Letting me come back, and being my friend, and this..." Ex turned away from Joe, but still didn't let go of his arm.

"It isn't a problem. I believe that everyone deserves another chance, including you, and by gosh I'm gonna get you one. That's the JoeHills Difference!" Ex giggled quietly, smiling slightly as he finally let go of Joe and stood up, Joe doing the same.

"Hey, what were you doing in the End anyway?"

"Oh, just collecting some obsidian in return for gracious compensation at the hands of one X-I-Zumavoid."

"He's... paying you to mine obsidian?"

"Precisely! He seemingly needs a sizable amount, and has decided the wisest way to procure a large quantity would be to enlist as many individuals with a diamond deficiency as possible to obtain it for him."

"...I didn't really understand that, but okay."

"Would you be willing to assist me in this obsidian-aquiring venture?"

"I... sure."

Ex, still slightly confused, and still trying to wipe his eyes discreetly, followed as Joe, rambling on about something or other, strode towards a half-mined obsidian pillar. Ex grinned as he played along, pretending to understand the other man, and deciding that maybe, just maybe, this was enough for now.


End file.
